If Dave were a plumber, he’d launch a policy review on your broken boiler

If he was a plumber, though, what manner of plumber would David Cameron be? The Tory leader, summoned via the Yellow Pages to fix a problem with your boiler. You would let him in, I think. Nice face, easy manner. ‘There’s a problem with your boiler,’ he would say.

Indeed, you would agree. So fix it.

‘I will,’ says David the plumber, ‘but not yet. First, I am going to set up a series of Boiler Review Groups. Some of these will be headed by really quite surprising people who have been harping on about boilers for years. They will look into the problem in depth, and then they will propose a series of solutions.’

Fine, you might say, boilers not being your personal forte. And then you’ll fix it?

David the plumber might give a little chuckle. You know the one? That plumber chuckle? ‘I will,’ he’d repeat, ‘but not yet. I mean, let’s be clear. These won’t be my proposals for boiler repair. Far from it! Some of them will be frankly quite outlandish. So before committing myself to any particular course of action, I would prefer to float them all in the public domain, possibly by means of leaks.’

Hahaha, you’d say, dutifully, but then David the plumber would cock his head slightly, puzzled, and you’d realise it couldn’t have been a deliberate pun after all. This might make you feel a little tired. So you would gather yourself for one final push. And afterwards, you’d say, you will fix it? Right?

‘Of course!’ David the plumber would say, grandly. Then, he might clarify. ‘Although not yet. Instead, I will give you a firm commitment as to how I would fix your boiler, were it in my power to do so immediately.