Iron Man 2
12A, Nationwide
Iron Man 2 is a mighty dog’s dinner, which would be OK — or, as my dog Mr Woofie puts it, ‘Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it’ — but it is also fantastically boring. It’s the sort of boredom that starts at pore level and then seeps its way, via the lymph system, down into the very marrow of your bones. It’s the sort of boredom that makes you sad to be alive. It’s the entire axis of boredom. It’s the boredom that accrues when an incoherent plot, flimsy characters, a dumb script and an excess of CGI fighting nonsense all gang up on you. I think even Mr Woofie would have found Iron Man 2 boring and his standards, when it comes to any kind of entertainment, are quite low. ‘I’m happy just to bark at a bush,’ he says. ‘I’d even consider that a good day.’
The first Iron Man, which proved a box office hit two years ago, was reasonable enough, I suppose, but this is just the same again, only without bothering. If there were any new ideas, I failed to spot them, as did my bone marrow, which slept through most of it anyhow. Lucky bone marrow. Robert Downey Jr reprises his role as Tony Stark, the billionaire, playboy weapons industrialist who was unmasked as Iron Man at the end of the last film, although it might have been more fun if he’d been unmasked as Iron Maiden. Even my bone marrow might have stayed awake for that. Directed by Jon Favreau, the opening scenes are peculiarly chaotic, with characters talking over each other — so irritating — while storylines come at you from all directions. I even felt a storyline go up my bottom, which was quite discombobulating. It was a boring storyline, at least, and not an explosive one. Just imagine the consequences of that!
I don’t know why a film would want to bring in several dumb plots, instead of concentrating on just the one dumb plot, but there you have it. The US government is after Stark because they want his technology for the military. A nasty Russian (Mickey Rourke) with spooky tattoos is after Stark because…something to do with his father? A rival tycoon (Sam Rockwell) is after Stark because…oh, who cares. An army colonel (Don Cheadle) is not after Stark, but might have to betray him all the same (I think). Samuel L. Jackson comes by, says a few things, and then wanders off again. I never worked out who he was. Downey Jr, Rourke, Rockwell, Cheadle, Jackson: what did they do during tea breaks on set? Did they high five and whoop: ‘I can’t believe we’re getting tons of money for this rubbish?’ And: ‘Nice work if you can get it, and we did!’ I don’t know if the girls were allowed to attend these tea breaks, but am thinking not. Probably, they had their own room, where they could quietly do face packs.
This is a solidly sexist piece of work, although, that said, whereas the Gwyneth Paltrow character, Pepper Potts, was servile eye candy in the first film, in this outing she’s been promoted to a CEO so she is, at least, executive eye candy now. Meanwhile, her replacement as Tony’s assistant comes in the form of Scarlett Johansson, who wears either low-cut dresses or all-in-one Lycra body suits. Is this how they teach you to carry on at secretarial college these days? In one scene, she changes clothes in the back of a car, although there is nothing gratuitous about it. It was important to the movie. How would they have got a shot of her in her bra otherwise? Sometimes, I truly wonder: did feminism actually happen or did I just dream it?
OK, it is glamorous. Stark lives in a Thunderbirds-style mansion perched on a cliff top. There are sports cars and private jets and talk of modern art. We travel to Malibu, New Mexico, Moscow, Monte Carlo, so the film has a chance to be no good in several different locations. And the action? There are two set pieces: one during the Monte Carlo Grand Prix where Stark is driving a racing car — why? No idea — and the inevitable good v. evil battle at the end. Whether you enjoy them probably depends on how much you like to see men in metal suits crashing about. And then crashing about some more. It’s all as dull as ditchwater, not that Mr Woofie would ever buy that. ‘Hey, you leave ditchwater out of this. I love ditchwater. It’s terrific.’
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