Middle age is a pain in the backside

When are you truly middle-aged? ‘The years 20 to 40 are what you might call the fillet steak of life,’ said Philip Larkin. ‘The rest is very much poorer cuts.’ Some might dispute this and put the turning-point at 45, while others will maintain it’s all about how old you feel rather than your biological age. To my mind, the critical factor is when you go through a particular rite of passage. I’m talking about a colonoscopy.

I’ve been trying to avoid having one for years, but a recent visit to my GP convinced me I could put it off no longer. After I’d told him about various stomach ailments (I won’t go into details), he asked if any members of my family had ever suffered from bowel cancer. I was shocked. Aren’t doctors supposed to avoid using the ‘c’ word unless it’s absolutely necessary? As it happens, my father did have bowel cancer so I immediately began to worry. My GB advised me to have a colonoscopy as soon as possible.

I then made two mistakes that I’d urge readers not to repeat. The first was to ask for a gastroscopy at the same time. This is when a scope is shoved down your throat so a doctor can examine your stomach. The specialist looked at me a bit oddly when I made the request, as if to say, ‘Are you quite sure?’, but it was too late to change my mind at that point. ‘In for a penny, in for a pound,’ I said, cheerfully.