Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

My Volvo has turned into a monster

All those hypochondriac little lights. It's worse than me!

[Getty Images/iStockphoto]

The Volvo has turned into a monster. It always did have a mind of its own. Fellow owners warned me when I got it that the sensors are incredibly sensitive. It is always faking injury.

I had only had it a few weeks when the warning light flashed and demanded a transmission service. In the interests of good relations — and also because I bought it from a dealer who was raided by police and trading standards a week later — I thought I would show willing.

But a few days after the mechanic changed the transmission oil, we were driving along and the light flashed: ‘Transmission Service Required!’ I took it back in, had it hooked up to the computer and the mechanics declared it fine.

A few days later the warning light flashed: ‘Transmission Service Required!’ I noticed that, as with the other times, it had flashed after I changed gears from drive to reverse a bit lumpily. Was it possible the car was complaining because I was being too rough? Could it be protesting at my driving skills? Emboldened by the builder boyfriend who insisted this was ‘what Volvos do — ignore it’, I decided to ignore it. And after a while it did stop.

But a few months after that, the light flashed again: ‘Engine Service Required!’ So I checked the service manual and, as it was due a full service soon anyway, I took it into the garage. It couldn’t do any harm to give it the full once-over, I thought. When the mechanic had finished, he declared the Volvo in tip-top condition. He couldn’t find a thing wrong. He had done all the usual stuff with oil and filters and made it as happy as he could.

And it didn’t complain for a good few weeks. But then, halfway down a dirt track, as we went over a particularly big bump, it suddenly started: ‘Transmission Service Required!’ And then a few seconds later ‘Engine Service Required!’

‘Give it a break,’ I said, ‘you are having me on.

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