Lucy Vickery

Presidential patter

In Competition No. 3033 you were invited to take as your first line ‘I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius’ and continue for up to a further 15.
It seemed about time for a challenge to mark Trump’s first year in office, and what better as a springboard than the Donald’s own words. Long lines mean fewer entries, which is a shame because the standard was terrific. Honourable mentions go to Carolyn Beckingham, John Beaton, Brian Murdoch and Ann Alexander. The winners take £25.

I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius.
To castigate my temperament is nasty, fake and hee-nius.
There’s Lincoln and there’s Washington and other famous presidents
Whom I would say I’m smarter than without a moment’s hesitance.
I listen to my gut when it gives very fine advice to me.
I make up clever names to pin on fools who are not nice to me.
I only need to bark to drive my catty critics up a tree.
I’m not the star of any show that features Putin’s puppetry.
I understand there is a probe, and Mueller is conducting it,
and fake news outlets like to lie and say I am obstructing it,
but don’t they also say I am afflicted by senility?
And wouldn’t that suggest that I am lacking culpability?
I wish to be an emperor who sits atop a monarchy
But first I need to tear things down and throw things into anarchy.
Some say that I’m Hitlerian, or maybe Mussolini-ous,
but no, I’m Trump, the model of a Very Stable Genius.
Robert Schechter
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius;
My IQ score is 8.5, a number quite Fellinious;
My health is great, don’t drink or smoke, I’m totally abstenious;
I like my coffee hot and sweet and frothy, cappucineous.
That’s how I like my women too, for preference bikinious —
It’s easier to grab the parts considered erogeneous.

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