When I heard that Marlow Foods, parent company of Quorn, had reported a £63 million loss due to declining demand for plant-based products, it came as no surprise. Quorn is a hideous meat substitute that would work better as cotton wool, or sandpaper. Depending on what form you buy it in, it can be wet and slimy, or hard and grainy. In short, it looks (and very probably tastes) like cat litter – after the cat has used it. Though as CEO Marco Bertacca himself says, ‘there’s nothing quite like mycoprotein’ (my emphasis).
In short, it looks (and very probably tastes) like cat litter – after the cat has used it
A Washington-based group called the Center for Science in the Public Interest, has documented hundreds of reported allergic reactions to the product, ranging from vomiting, abdominal pain, to anaphylactic shock. The Center for Science in the Public Interest have long urged the FDA to ban Quorn’s sale, citing reports of its allergenicity dating back to the 1970s. (Quorn says that expert research over a 15 year period found incidences of allergic reactions to be ‘exceptionally low’.)
Quorn is a fungus that is then fermented, and if that sounds disgusting, that’s because it is. Don’t tell me that it’s just like mushroom, because it isn’t – otherwise they wouldn’t have had to invent it. It is straightforwardly a substitute for minced meat.
Once, when staying with a friend, I accidentally used it to make spaghetti bolognese: it ended up resembling bathroom grout. Taste-free would be an improvement on tasting like something the builder left behind for you to sweep up.
Meat substitutes shouldn’t be necessary. Just eat plants. If you love the taste of meat but for ethical or whatever reasons can’t or don’t want to eat it, then just accept that nothing else tastes like meat. The problem is that Quorn tastes of itself. Eat vegetables, and if you really want a spaghetti dish, don’t substitute Quorn mince and expect it to taste anything like pork, beef or lamb. It just won’t. Make spaghetti with crunchy garlic breadcrumbs and olive oil and chilli instead.
The term ‘plant-based’ is meant to make you think that any food that doesn’t contain dairy, fish or meat is healthy, natural and good for you. That’s just not true.
Fake minced meat aside, the worst Quorn product are the sausages. They taste absolutely vile, and look even worse, like dismembered body parts – the less said the better. Mushy and gluey, they taste as cheap as possible. I can’t begin to imagine why anyone would find them acceptable. Then there are the frozen ‘chicken’ pieces which taste a little bit like you have cut up the pan scrubber sponge and stuck it in some sauce. Don’t get me started on Quorn burgers. And I’ll never forget the time I went to somebody’s house for dinner, and she served a lasagna made with it.
Quorn aficionados say it’s high in protein, low in saturated fat and gluten free. They forget to mention it’s drowned in all things bad for you. During the fermentation phase, they add all kinds of things – such as nitrogen and other preservatives – which really should be enough to put you off (if the flavour and texture hadn’t already done the trick).
The fungus from which Quorn is produced was discovered many decades ago. Back in the 1960s, some scientists were worried that, as our population grew, we would run out of food. Quite frankly, although I’d eat it if that’s all there was to keep me alive, I think I’d have to be pretty hungry before being tempted to take a bag of Quorn out of the freezer and attempt to turn it into a meal. But if my bathroom needed grouting…
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