Rextail: a restaurant for billionaire children

Rextail is a restaurant for billionaire children, such as Richie Rich. Its owner, Arcady Novikov, has already opened a restaurant for billionaire men and their spindly billionaire wives — the bonkers fusion Asian/Italian barn Novikov, which travels with its own angry cloud of cigar smoke and identity crisis; so a restaurant for children is the next logical step in the redevelopment of London as a playpen for plutocratic families or cults. Children are sophisticated these days, especially if they fly first class or tumble around private aeroplanes; most of the clientele at the Disney Café by Harrods (note the terrible ‘by’, a pretentious substitution for ‘in’, which I suspect has the Spectator production editor eating his own face) are adults; because no child is stupid enough to spend £12.50 on Mickey’s Ravioli in Knightsbridge. (Knightsbridge!)

So Rextail (Mayfair) is doing children. Maybe cats are next, or owls. Rextail is on Albemarle Street, among art galleries selling terrible art relating to cats. Oscar Wilde started his stupid fight with the Marquess of Queensberry here, because he called him a somdomite. Idiot. And here it is, on the railing, by the foliage, which is extensive, and next to the doorman and the Real Menu: Children’s Menu. Huh? This is new — even for crazy London; an haute cuisine restaurant with kiddie food. Chicken McGolden Nuggets, or something. Roast Lambkin. Sweetie Corn. Lentil Roald Dahl. Whatever. This is like letting a child play Scarface or Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire. It is like letting a child do Bond. It is wrong. Children should not socialise, seduce or wear Dior. I was so surprised I did not write down what it says on the Rextail Children’s Menu.