I love having friends over for dinner, and like to think I’m rather good at hosting. And while I always strive for a relaxed atmosphere and dislike formality, there are a few hard rules that my guests should adhere to if they want a repeat invitation.
Let’s start at the beginning. When checking on any foods you don’t eat, I am asking if you are vegetarian or coeliac, or if you have an actual allergy; what I don’t want is a list of your preferences. One person I invited replied telling me all about how, although she quite likes fresh tomatoes, she can’t eat them cooked, adding that she’d rather the food wasn’t flavoured with cumin or oregano. I felt like telling her to stay home and order from Deliveroo. Another guest brought her own hot sauce with her which – given that she didn’t even know what she was going to eat – struck me as rather presumptuous.
When I send out an invitation to dinner, I state the time (none of this ‘7.30 for 8 p.m.’ or ‘around eight-ish’ business). For first-timers, I include clear directions – which means I don’t want to be interrupted as I make salad dressing and navigate the oven by a call or message asking, ‘What’s your address again, please?’
Arrive on time. Ten minutes late is acceptable, but any more and it is polite to let me know. If there is a good reason, and it is not the fault of the guest, then it can’t be helped. But if you rock up 30 minutes late with a casual, ‘I didn’t realise the time’ (Why not?), or ‘the traffic was bad’ (I live in a city, not a hamlet), then you are simply being rude and inconsiderate – not just to me, but to my other guests. Last time this crime was committed (by someone who has a reputation for never being anywhere on time), we got started on our appetisers a full 40 minutes after everyone else was present and correct.
What should you bring? I don’t care if you bring a cheap bottle of corner-shop wine; I can always cook with it. But be warned – if you tell me you are off the sauce, bring a carton of processed orange juice, then change your mind at the table and quaff all the Sancerre, I won’t be pleased. Similarly, if you are in a couple and both are invited, do not, under any circumstances, arrive with one bottle between you. It may be the case that you are joined at the hip, but you have a mouth each, so do bear that in mind.
On your way through the kitchen on arrival, do not look at the pre-prepared food and stick your paw in for a taste. This will get you thrown out.
Once we are at the table, unless you are expecting an urgent call or need to keep an eye on your phone in case your babysitter has abandoned your critters, just leave it to cope without you. If Chelsea are playing the night I invite you over and you can’t bear to miss the game, just don’t come.
If Chelsea are playing the night I invite you over and you can’t bear to miss the game, just don’t come
I love lively conversation, disagreement and debate – they are the lifeblood of any social gathering – but I do recall an occasion where a guest started arguing that the Iraq war was a just one, with someone who inexplicably held Jeremy Corbyn in high esteem. Things got so heated that it turned the atmosphere quite sour. They didn’t stop even when asked to, and nobody else could hear themselves think over the shouting – let alone have separate conversations.
This point is a tricky one, because I always want my guests to feel relaxed and have a great time – but when they’ve been at your house since 7 p.m., it’s nudging midnight, you’ve already hinted that you have an early train to catch the next day (or that you’re knackered) and they reach over to crack open yet another bottle of red wine (or worse, get the Limoncello out), I despair. The food is long gone, coffee has been offered and declined in favour of whichever digestives are on the table, and after that it really does start to get a bit tedious.
And here comes my final piece of advice on how to be a well-behaved guest: don’t turn up with your phone on 1 per cent battery, let it die, then have to stand in my kitchen charging it before you can order an Uber to get the hell out so I can go to bed. If you commit such a crime, you won’t be invited back.
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