Spectator competition winners: the facts of life according to Dumbledore

The call for lessons in the facts of life courtesy of a well-known character in fiction sent many of you running to children’s stories for inspiration.

While Jayne Osborn recruited Dr Seuss — ‘Doing sex is good fun, and it’s easy to do./ Let me demonstrate, using Thing One and Thing Two…’ — Ted Harrison imagined know-all Owl’s attempt to enlighten his fellow inhabitants of Hundred Acre Wood: “‘The procrastination of the species is achieved through sectional hypocaust between contenting members….”