In Competition No. 2441 (wrongly numbered 2443) you were invited to choose a title of a well-known work of fiction and write an amusing poem with the same title.
This gave rise to much comic lateral thinking. Esther Waters featured the hosepipe ban, Scoop followed a dog on a walk, Orwell’s title was transmuted into a rugby disaster: ‘Our side lost 19–84’, I was informed that ‘finnegans wake at half-past ten’ and told of Howard’s gory end. Godfrey Bullard and Bill Greenwell are unlucky runners-up. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and Noel Petty runs away with the bonus fiver.
Life of Pi
When I was young in ancient Galilee,
The learned sages thought I was but 3,
For Hiram traced a circle on the ground
‘10 cubits wide and 30 cubits round’.
Then Archimedes came and pushed me through
As far as 3.141 (or 2).
Ptolemy was next; his arithmetic tricks
Added a rather speculative 6,
But Tsu Ch’ung-Chi, a Chinese fan of mine,
Pinned me at 3.14159.
In 15th-century Persia, Al-Kashî
Found ten more numbers to embellish me,
Then it was open season. Every year
Hundreds, then thousands, of digits would appear,
Till it was proved; my tail is never done.
My title thus is 3.141
5926535897…….
And on and on to transcendental heaven.
Noel Petty
Arms and the Man
‘There are times
When we must stand up for truth and justice;
When our small personal concerns weigh nothing
Against the welfare of humanity;
When, whatever the cost,
However great the anguish,
We must seek the greater good.
I myself am ready
In these terrible times
To make any sacrifice —
I will even send my own son
Whom I nourished at my breast
To fight
And, if necessary, to die
For what I believe to be right.’
‘Hang on a minute, Mum.’
Michael Swan
Great Expectations
A priest and a rabbi much claret imbibed
Debating the deeds that each office proscribed.
Said the priest, ‘Roasted pork is a succulent meat,
You really do miss a delectable treat.’
Said the rabbi, ‘The joy of the marital bed
You cannot imagine, not having been wed.’
Emboldened by drink to an incautious act,
Before they departed they entered a pact:
This weekend they’d each put religion on hold
And sample the pleasure the other extolled.
On Monday they met in the cold light of day
With none of the wine which had led them astray,
And burdened by guilt which was hard to disguise,
Neither could look his good friend in the eyes.
The rabbi, in fact, was the first one to talk:
‘You’ve got to admit it is better than pork!’
Michael Saxby
Such darling dodos! I acquired a pair
(According to the pet-shop owner, rare)
While seeking sunny beaches in Mauritius,
And never made, though it was adventitious,
A happier purchase. Burly, flightless birds,
Ungainly, comical — indeed absurd’s
The mot that’s juste for them. Hour after hour
They kept me entertained. They would devour
With every meal a few small stones; I sussed
It was for gastric health. Their total trust
Was most endearing: they’d come to my side
Without a trace of fear. When they both died
I was distraught; they had made my life so rich.
I now keep two Komodo dragons, which
Divert me in some measure, but Komodos
By no means can replace such darling dodos.
Ray Kelley
The Reverend Jude Fitzsimmonds-Browne
Was priest of Manorbier;
As a pastor he was excellent
But when he preached … Oh, dear!
He was so very erudite
(Much learning was his boast),
His congregation understood
One work in ten, at most.
He eschewed the old familiar terms,
Like ‘love’ and ‘beauty’ and ‘curse’,
And used instead ‘prevenient grace’
And ‘pulchritude’ and ‘amerce’.
The Bishop counselled him,
‘Dear Jude,
You’re too obscure, I hear.
A sermon can’t be acted on
Unless the meaning’s clear.’
Virginia Price Evans
The Old Curiosity Shop
Good afternoon, sir, can I help you? Yes,
Of course, we still sell Curiosity —
Our founder started out with just that line —
But now we stock a comprehensive range
Of traits and foibles: everything you need.
Here, for example, is Assertiveness,
Available in various strengths; the ‘Max’
Is guaranteed against the toughest boss.
Here, in our ‘Retro’ line, is Winsomeness,
Still very popular with ageing belles.
Or, for christening, we recommend
Our luxury ‘Good Fairy’ box: a mix
Of our top lines in handy sample size.
Perhaps you’d like to browse a little, sir?
What can I get you? No, I’m sorry, sir,
We don’t stock Thrift — it really wouldn’t pay.
S.E.G. Hopkin
No. 2444: Labour pains
You are invited to offer two stanzas in the metre and rhyme-scheme of Byron’s Don Juan making fun of one or more of the Labour party’s present embarrassments. Entries to ‘Competition No. 2444’ by 18 May.
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