Sunday
Totally shattered. Up at dawn doing Dave’s bookshelves for Marr with Wonky Tom. He brought a heap of boring stuff and wouldn’t let me put Katie Price’s Perfect Ponies out. Insisted on some weird sci-fi books that only he would read. After bit of negotiation I managed to get Black Beauty on the bottom shelf. But when I watched the tapes later you couldn’t see it. I know Dave doesn’t want to look too horsey but surely it would have been better than the phonebook? Tom claims not. Says addition of Thompson Local was genius and made it look like Dave nips out to pick up pizza. Whatever.
Monday
Baffling stuff. Even though we are ahead in the polls, voters claim they still trust Gordon to run the economy more than Dave. I say ‘claim’ because frankly I don’t buy it. I think those opinion poll people are cutting corners. I bet they’re not showing the proper picture of Gordon looking angry like Lord A does with our internal focus groups. Anyway, it’s all moot because as of tonight we are going to have turned the whole thing around. We’ve come up with the definitive plan to Get Britain Out Of Recession. It is heavyweight stuff, the culmination of months of careful planning and painstaking policy-making. If this doesn’t work, nothing will.
Tuesday
I can’t believe it! People are still asking what Dave is going to do about the recession. Hello?! Did they not see Our Leader unveil a deeply moving giant poster of a baby yesterday? And that wasn’t all. We had funky music and video montages with muddled up words and everything. What more can we possibly do to make our position on fiscal matters clear? For those who didn’t get the message from The Baby press conference, Dave is ushering in a new Age of Responsibility. He is offering simple, honest, common-sense analysis based on fact, not spin. Hope that’s clear now. Got to get back to it. Am working up a statement calling for a boycott of David Bowie records now that he has admitted starting the credit crunch with Bowie Bonds. Tom says it’s amazing that a pop star invented futures trading, but as I haven’t got to that chapter in my Rough Guide to the Economy I can’t really say.
Wednesday
DD on the phone again, asking when Dave’s going to announce ‘it’. Told him he will have to be patient a while longer. One thing puzzles me. Mr Grieve is supposed to be super-clever and have all these detective skills but he doesn’t seem to suspect a thing. Also, I don’t like to tell DD that it’s not completely settled yet. He’d go mental if he knew he was up against Mr Gove and that Dave can’t quite make his mind up. Imagine if he doesn’t get it! Poor Doreen.
Thursday
Oh for goodness sake. Nobody told me there were issues with The Baby. Apparently we’ve got to keep quiet about who the parents are for reasons no one will explain to me. Assumed they were actors and therefore Labour voters. But Nigel says it’s worse. What could possibly be worse? Then it hit me. What if they’re former Bullingdon Club members?! What if it is revealed that far from being born £17,000 in debt, The Baby is actually heir to a vast fortune and godson of Nat Rothschild?!?! I wish someone would hurry up and tell me. I can’t stand the suspense.
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