The Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Sunday

Totally shattered. Up at dawn doing Dave’s bookshelves for Marr with Wonky Tom. He brought a heap of boring stuff and wouldn’t let me put Katie Price’s Perfect Ponies out. Insisted on some weird sci-fi books that only he would read. After bit of negotiation I managed to get Black Beauty on the bottom shelf. But when I watched the tapes later you couldn’t see it. I know Dave doesn’t want to look too horsey but surely it would have been better than the phonebook? Tom claims not. Says addition of Thompson Local was genius and made it look like Dave nips out to pick up pizza. Whatever.

Monday

Baffling stuff. Even though we are ahead in the polls, voters claim they still trust Gordon to run the economy more than Dave. I say ‘claim’ because frankly I don’t buy it. I think those opinion poll people are cutting corners. I bet they’re not showing the proper picture of Gordon looking angry like Lord A does with our internal focus groups. Anyway, it’s all moot because as of tonight we are going to have turned the whole thing around. We’ve come up with the definitive plan to Get Britain Out Of Recession. It is heavyweight stuff, the culmination of months of careful planning and painstaking policy-making. If this doesn’t work, nothing will.

Tuesday

I can’t believe it! People are still asking what Dave is going to do about the recession. Hello?! Did they not see Our Leader unveil a deeply moving giant poster of a baby yesterday? And that wasn’t all. We had funky music and video montages with muddled up words and everything. What more can we possibly do to make our position on fiscal matters clear? For those who didn’t get the message from The Baby press conference, Dave is ushering in a new Age of Responsibility.