Lucy Vickery

Trumpian verse

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In Competition No. 3075 you were invited to submit poems by Donald Trump.

The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump, which is the brainchild of Rob Sears, represents the fruits of Mr Sears’s efforts to find evidence of the President’s sensitive, poetic side in his tweets and transcripts. The verses in the book are stitched together from Trump’s own words, and promise to reveal ‘a hitherto hidden Donald, who may surprise and delight both students and critics alike’.

There were some excellent candidates for volume two in an entry in which haikus were especially popular —‘Terrible! Just found/Obama had my wires tapped./-McCarthyism!’ (John O’Byrne) — and which saw our poet-President draw widely on influences from Robert Frost and Walt Whitman to Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Joyce Kilmer (A.R. Duncan Jones: ‘I think that I shall never see/ A poem lovelier than Me’). And there was a spot of Longfellow too. Here’s Joe Houlihan:

By the door of Mar-a-Lago,

By his busty model daughter,

With the sun to keep his wig warm,

With the bien pensants all moaning,

MagaWatha bloviated…

The winners earn £30 each. Bill Greenwell takes £35.

Two roads, believe me, I must tell you, sincerely,

Only a loser would travel both of them really:

That would be frankly stupid, with stupid vision,

That was not a huge, not a huge decision.

I mean, they were practically the same,

Same as each other, different only in name:

A lot of people told me, you know, turn back.

But basically they were both the same track.

Both of them had phenomenal leaves, so nice,

Which by the way were not black, no dice:

What clowns would even think to return —

Only major major phonies, not my concern.

Very scary. I will tell you, in my second term,

About two vast ways, as my people confirm,

Diverging, in some sad, pathetic wood.

In all fairness, my choice was very very good.

Bill Greenwell

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love the way you talk. Incredible.

Tremendous. You use all the perfect words.

I love that you have got that big, big button

Because you’re President and they are not.

I love your large, large brain. I love the fact

That you’re so rich. That shows you’re really smart.

And also being rich means having money.

And money is a thing to buy stuff with.

I love your good-sized hands — and something else.

I love your daughter. Man is she a looker!

That rack! That face! She’s hot. I’d like to date her.

She’d probably date me if I asked. She likes me.

I’d write more, but I’m running out of space.

Max Gutmann

I love little pussy

(Not fake news! So true!)

And whenever I grab her

The rest all shout #MeToo.

Who killed Cock Robin?

I, said the sparrow, with my bow and arrow,

Which of course he could not have done

If Robin had only had a gun.

There was crooked man

As crooked as can be

But nowhere near as crooked

As crooked Hillary.

Little Boy Blue

Come blow your recorder!

The cow’s in the meadow, the immigrants

Will soon be flooding in across our southern border.

Brian Murdoch

In Xanadu did I decree a tower with a TRUMP marquee.

‘Good fences make good neighbours.’ See?

I think these woods belong to me.

In realms of gold, I guarantee

I’ve travelled more than Keats. Had we but world enough — I disagree

with that: just grab ’em where they pee.

I will arise. What’s Innisfree?

I placed a jar in Tennessee —they voted for me totally.

A poem shouldn’t mean but be.

Noah D. Plum

My voters all agree that I’m a very stable genius,

Well-balanced, even-tempered, with a truly huge IQ,

And though my lying enemies pretend I’m teenie weenious,

I’ve testimonials that prove my pecker’s massive too.

Believe me, I’m the brainiest of presidential giants;

I’m twice as smart as Washington, or Lincoln, or Obama.

My brilliant mind can see right through the hoax of climate science,

And yet I’m modest and polite, a diplomatic charmer.

I’m tolerant and welcoming, although there’s one exception:

I can’t abide those Mexicans, those criminals and papists,

And that is why I’m planning my gargantuan erection

To fulfil my oath of office and protect you from them rapists.

I use the very best of words, my speeches minted newly.

I bet you didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘avenious’?

It’s ‘nerveless’, like the leaves of certain plants —and like yours truly,

The greatest President of all, a very stable genius!

Nicholas Holbrook

No. 3078: o come let us adore zhim

You are invited to submit a politically correct Christmas carol. Please email entries (up to 16 lines) to by 30 November. The early deadline is because of the Christmas production schedule.