What a shower!

I’m in a Swiss mountain village. I’ve spent the day glacier skiing, and now I’m showering in my steamy hotel bathroom. The water is crashing off my ample curves, my muscles are aching pleasantly and I’m looking forward to a convivial evening. But, damn, it’s difficult to get out of this shower – it’s just too good. Every jet of water has zest and purpose, the shower head is big and shiny, and the water has a creamy quality. There’s no crusty limescale, the temperature is precisely 42 degrees, and it’s thrillingly powerful. It’s perfect. And, as I stand, gasping, under this cascade of hot, bubbly, foreign water it sets me wondering: why are British showers so utterly pathetic when compared with the uninhibited spurt of our Continental cousins?

Let us begin with the conspiracy theory. Some say the privatised water companies have reduced mains pressure in order to decrease the quantity of water lost through leakage (they get hefty fines for bad leaks). British pipework is old and slightly fragile, and more likely to burst if you’re pumping water through it at high pressure. The firemen complained a few years ago that the water pressure wasn’t high enough to tackle big blazes. They claimed water companies were dropping mains pressure in order to hit leakage targets. Of course the water companies deny it; but even if it is true, it is not the whole story.

The real reason why our internal water pressure is so feeble is that we Brits have a completely absurd system. We transfer all our water from the mains supply into storage tanks, whence gravity returns it to the rest of the house. Archie, a top plumber with a delicious Scottish accent, explains that until recently we were legally obliged, for hygiene reasons, to keep a cold-water storage tank.