Diary

Diary – 12 September 2009

I’ve never worked out how so many Swedes can be atheists when the Stockholm archipelago is prima facie proof of God’s existence. For years I have been coming to worship and this summer I rented a house by the water. It is my idea of paradise: a week of forest walks, saunas and — last

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 12 September 2009

Monday List of conference ‘Banned Persons’ growing by the minute. DD, Bercow and Duncan obviously. (DD a total liability, in complete Guns & Ammo overdrive and would probably descend on Manchester in full combat gear with a branch on his head if we let him.) Mr Redwood has agreed to an amnesty if we let

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 5 September 2009

Monday Wish we could decide whether the recession is over or not. Or at least decide what shape it is. Mr Letwin and Mr Willetts spend hours in the Tranquillity Room arguing about whether it’s a V, W or an L. My own theory, which I put forward at morning strategy meeting today, is that

Diary – 5 September 2009

I write from a beach in Ibiza. To my left, three men are sheltering under my sunshade and frowning out to sea. Their arms are folded across their chests and they are discussing London property prices. ‘Fifteen million,’ one is saying, ‘for a flat in Eaton Square. It’s broken some kind of record, apparently.’ The

Diary – 29 August 2009

I’m researching a new history of Baghdad. What strikes you most about this unfortunate part of the world is how extreme violence and bloodshed have been endemic to the city from its foundation by the Abbasid Caliph Mansur in ad 762 to the present day. Baghdad may have been christened the City of Peace but,

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 29 August 2009

Monday Mr Grayling is running the show this week. Am exhausted already. Had been hoping to kick back and do a bit of riding. Fat chance with Robocop in charge. He’s moved on from talking about Jeremy Kyle to The Wire and is obsessed with the idea that Britain is in the grip of urban

Diary – 22 August 2009

I spent last weekend in Edinburgh taking part in a small celebration of a friend’s eventful life. Fred was dazzlingly intelligent and witty and kind, and though I hadn’t seen him in years, the news of his death came as an awful shock. Poignantly, I first heard the news from Cary, one of my best

Diary of Notting Hill Nobody | 22 August 2009

Monday Mrs Hannan on the phone again, wanting to know when she can have her husband back. Told her to hold the line while I asked Nigel who stopped Twittering just long enough to shake his head in a v grim way and make a sign with his finger across his throat. Not sure what

Diary – 15 August 2009

Since the Scottish Borders is not a nationalist stronghold, we don’t often see Alex Salmond in these parts. But the SNP leader was in Melrose recently as the Scottish Government (as his ministry styles itself) held a Cabinet meeting in the town. Such events are dressed up as ‘outreach’ and an ‘opportunity’ to hear from

Diary – 8 August 2009

If you want to place-drop seriously, Bayreuth weighs in at a couple of tons. It has to be the snootiest place on earth to spend the height of one’s summer, though it’s not immediately obvious why. It’s not the Côte d’Azur nor the Amalfi coast, which offer the perfect climate and geology for beautiful people

Diary – 1 August 2009

As the President of the Associates of Rada and an ex-Rada student, I was asked to make a speech about my days at the academy for the third-year students and some of my friends.Speech-giving is tough, speech-writing even tougher and I envy Mr Obama and his silky way with words. Does he write them himself,

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 1 August 2009

Monday I’m so enjoying The New Politics! The whole atmosphere of Newness everywhere and the feeling of everything and everyone being just so New is amazing. I can’t think why we didn’t do this before. I mean, it’s the obvious answer to all Britain’s problems isn’t it? And it was so easy — Dave just

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 25 July 2009

Monday Clearly we can’t have people saying it’s one rule for bed-blockers and another for Notting Hillers. We can’t be accused of penalising backbenchers we don’t like while turning a blind eye to expense abuses by Dave’s inner circle. We need one deeply principled rule for everybody. So, after much reflection, we’ve decided to let

Diary – 25 July 2009

Last thursday evening saw me embraced by the ample bosom that is Yorkshire. I had an evening engagement in Sheffield, the oft-overlooked, Judas Priest-inspired steel town of the North. Every village, city and county has its rivalries. Dublin is divided by a river creating a historic division between the northsiders and southsiders; the west coast

Diary – 18 July 2009

As Johannesburg slid deeper into recession, I put in a bid for a rundown property in the suburb of Emmarentia. The ad said, ‘Bargain of the year! Two houses for the price of one!’ My offer was accepted and here I am, new owner of a rambling commune with seven toilets, six tenants and five

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 18 July 2009

Monday I wonder if Gary has Gwyneth Paltrow’s number? No reason he would have, obviously, but just on the off chance he did, it would be great to ring and ask her if she would consider doing a little fundraiser for us. Nothing over the top, just something tasteful with Chris Martin, saying how happy

Diary – 11 July 2009

The shadow chancellor George Osborne has been lunching privately with the textiles magnate Richard Caring, the Labour-supporting businessman who got caught up in the cash for peerages investigation. It is less than a year since Osborne demonstrated a catastrophic failure of judgment by being lured onto a yacht owned by the disreputable Russian oligarch Oleg

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 11 July 2009

Monday How dare Gordon and Sarah hold lasagne suppers! It is absolutely outrageous. It just shows the breathtaking arrogance of this Prime Minister that he thinks he can steal a groundbreaking idea like that and get away with it. Of course we are seeking legal advice. Dave definitely holds the patent, morally speaking, it’s just

Diary – 4 July 2009

Some friends home-school their three children and hats off to them. I was the sort of cruel, wicked mother who required hers to be out of the house for three full terms a year and could never have taught them round the kitchen table. They do it because their children are bright and have inquiring

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 4 July 2009

Monday Terrible panic about second jobs. A lot of our people just cannot get their heads around how they will survive on an MP’s salary once our new rules banning outside earnings kick in. We’ve had to assemble an information pack to help them with the transition. It’s called ‘How to survive on £64,766 a