Well 2021 is at an end and what a hell of a year it’s been. There were laughs, tears, shock, disgust and despair – and that was just the reaction to footage of Matt Hancock’s video nasty. The past twelve months have seen various ups and downs in Britain and abroad, ranging from the highlights of the vaccine rollout and England’s Euro run to low points like the Capitol coup, the Afghanistan debacle and various pandemic pitfalls.
And Mr S has been there throughout it all to chart the gossip, drama, high politics and low shenanigans. Tony Benn once sniffed that it was ‘issues, not personalities’ that mattered; Steerpike holds that the inverse is true when looking back at the events of 2021. For how else can one reflect on the chaos of the past year without seeing it through the prism of the personalities involved?
So as the year ends, Mr S has rounded up a baker’s dozen of his favourite personalities in British politics this year, an unlucky thirteen who have found themselves all too often in his crosshairs. Drumroll please; obsequious shows of admiration at the ready – step forth the winners of this year’s 2021 Steerpike awards…
The Hiroo Onoda award for endeavour: Like the Japanese soldier who fought for thirty years after World War Two, Andrew Adonis has spent the past twelve months waging a fruitless struggle for another lost cause. Chair of the European Movement and self-appointed head of the ‘Rejoiner’ cause, Mr S wonders which of his two great campaigns is most likely to succeed: the reversal of Brexit or the return of Tony Blair?
Prophet of the year: Though Keir Starmer’s predictions of a summer lockdown run him close, there can only be one winner for the far-sighted soothsayer of 2021. Step forward, Professor Neil Ferguson and his much-fabled data modelling. It took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of the desert: by that time one of Professor Lockdown’s predictions might finally come true.
The Keith Vaz award for shamelessness: Most MPs are a decent sort: hard-working, collegiate, in it for the right reasons. Then there are the ones to whom scandal sticks like tar, invariably earning headlines for disreputable behaviour while displaying a Ceaușescu-esque attitude to relinquishing power. Named in honour of the former member for Leicester East, it’s only fair that this year’s award goes to Keith Vaz’s successor, Claudia Webbe MP. Convicted of harassment in October, will 2022 be the year she is finally forced out of Parliament?
Mandarin of the year: A lot of things died in the Afghanistan evacuation. Among them was the ‘Rolls-Royce’ reputation of the senior Foreign Office service, given the Reliant Robin-like performance of Sir Philip Barton. The FCDO perm sec spent 11 days on holiday rather than returning to deal with the Kabul crisis, before telling MPs with a straight face that he didn’t preside over a ‘clocking off culture.’ Mr S suspects 2022 could be the year Sir Phil clocks off for good.
The Devi Sridhar award for self-promotion: ‘Never let a good crisis go to waste’ said Churchill. And no-one learned that lesson better than Jolyon Maugham QC who has spent the past 21 months of Covid whipping up outrage mobs to crowdfund his various hobby-horses. A self-made man who worships his creator, Maugham treats alleged corruption like he treats his foxes – beating the issue to death and then bragging about it on Twitter. Whether it’s smearing Kate Bingham or mixing up innocent PPE companies, Mr S looks forward to more hits from the David Brent of the Bar in the forthcoming months.
Defector of the year: 2021 will go down as the year Sir Keir began to bring former Tories into the Labour fold. And what better symbol of that than the guy who came in from the cold, our much-famed impartial Commons Speaker, John Bercow? The pocket Kim Philby switched to the Starmer army in June, with a typically graceless broadside at Boris Johnson. In joining the party of workers’ rights while still under investigation for bullying in Parliament, he earns Steerpike’s title of ‘defector of the year.’ Or should that be defective?
The Ian Paisley award for community cohesion: If there’s something sectarian in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? James Dornan! The Glasgow MSP earned himself the title of ‘SNP Hate-finder General’ in 2021 thanks to various evidence-free allegations against Lothian Buses, Premier League referees and Rangers football fans. Mr S salutes the hard-of-thinking MP for his past efforts and looks forward to seeing which innocent institution is next to feel his wrath. Orange Wednesdays, perhaps?
Councillor of the year: In this, the year of COP, this was a nailed-on certainty. It was doubtful whether Glasgow council leader Susan Aitken could take her national embarrassment global but she managed it in October owing to a pile up of binmen, lawyers and rail operators all threatening simultaneous industrial action. Amid reports of rodents on the rampage, 2022 could once again be the year of the rat in Glasgow.
The Schillings award for privacy: For Oprah. For the book deal. For the eco-efforts and war on disinformation. This award can only to Meghan and Harry: thank you both for speaking your truth.*
*Terms and conditions apply. Truth may or may not be the actual truth, depending on unfortunate lapses of memory.
Communist of the year: A tough one to pick this year. In the Covid climate, it’s not been a great year for freedom-lovers, especially when literal members of the Communist Party like Susan Michie serve on SAGE. But this year saw the self-immolation of most of the Corbynites on Labour’s frontbench and there was no one pouring more fuel on the fire than budding Bolshevik Zarah Sultana. Crowned the heir apparent at the Labour conference Trotfest, she’s been a constant feature of Steerpike’s musings.
The Russia Today award for fake news: Smears, falsehoods and lies are the three staples of British politics. But a rare foreign entry takes the gong this year: step forward Emmanuel Macron for his claims about the AstraZeneca vaccine.
Comeback of the year: After resigning in an orgy of public humiliation, you might have expected ex-Health Secretary Matt Hancock to keep his head down for a while. Not a bit of it: within weeks of his ejection from office, the face that launched a thousand memes was already plotting a return to power. From producing lamentable Twitter videos to hiring new staff, abasing himself on thankless media-rounds or attempting to publish his own book, Mr S suspects this bid for rehabilitation will be a long-running and joyless affair – for him at least.
Steerpike thanks his readers for all their tips, suggestions and musings this past year and here’s to more merriment in 2022!
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