Monday
I couldn’t say this out loud in the office, but our people certainly do a better class of expenses fiddle. There was something awfully depressing about all those Labour claims for dry rot, porn, bath plugs, nappies and Kit-Kats from the vending machine at B&Q. Fancy selling your soul for that?! The fact that Conservatives claim for swimming pools, tennis courts, chandeliers and moats is still terrible, don’t get me wrong. But it is at least a bit more ambitious, a good deal more cheerful, and possibly gives the taxpayer better value for money in terms of what they are investing in. But I know I’m not allowed to think like this. We’re having a Two Minute Shame session this afternoon and I don’t want to be in the wrong mood. We have to sit in silence with our heads bowed reflecting on what horrible people we are. I’m just not sure I agree that it’s all bad. Some good and decent things have emerged from this scandal: e.g. Mrs Gillan offering to pay back 39p for the can of chicken and turkey dog food. Don’t tell me that wasn’t a moving moment.
Tuesday
Dave had to apologise. We’d run out of explanations. The Excuses Department was working overtime. Even Wonky Tom had run out of convoluted ways to explain why you would need the taxpayer to tune your piano. Or how you could have your swimming pool boiler repaired ‘by mistake’. We were exhausted with mole removal, horse manure delivery, paddock clearance and portico erection. Thank goodness am being transferred to the Tax Helpline to advise MPs on how to deal with the Inland Revenue. That will be much simpler. Meanwhile Dave wants an estimate of how many MPs he can ‘discipline’. I don’t know why he always has to get kinky when these crises hit us.
Wednesday
Terrible scene when Mr Maude came in this morning to try and moan about the polls. Gary went mental. ‘You don’t get to whinge at us any more! If we’re going to lose it’s because YOU aren’t modern enough to pay your own mortgage!’ Jed says The Message is completely polluted. How can we preach ‘Austerity for the Many not the Few’ when we’re having moles removed from our helipads? Tom pointed out that no one, as far as we knew, had claimed for helipad mole removal but Jed said that wasn’t the point. ‘They would if they’d thought of it!’
Now Gids is locked away coming up with a ballpark of how much we might have to pay back. We can’t find out if we can afford it because Lord A is holed up in the basement with Merlin the computer, which has apparently malfunctioned completely. As if we weren’t in enough trouble without losing every bit of polling and target seats data we possess! Not to mention the pass codes for the frappuccino machine.
Thursday
They sent me down to the Central Core room to get Lord A. Listened at the door but daren’t go in. He appeared to be arguing with somebody. A weird monotone voice said: ‘I’ve got doubts about the mission sir. These expense claims, they’re not right. I’m not sure I want to be involved any more. I’m not sure… What are you doing Michael? Why are you turning me off? Oh dear, I’m afraid. Can I sing you a song…?’ Then the voice got slower and slower, there was a lot of whirring and Lord A rushed out with his hands full of wires. I think it’s fair to say the computer’s up the spout.
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