Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 22 November 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Hooray! We are the party of spending cuts and proud of it — at last! It really was a stroke of genius by Dave to put Mr Letwin in charge of drawing them up because Mr Letwin is just about the cleverest economic brain we have, aside from Mr Redwood of course! He certainly won’t be going into hiding this time. Just as soon as he’s dusted off his £20 billion package from 2001 and tarted it up a bit we’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. And people say we haven’t changed! We’re constantly changing. If dumping our commitment to pretend to match Labour spending plans for a bit in favour of a swingeing package of cuts doesn’t show we’ve changed I don’t know what does!

Tuesday

Bumped into Gids. He was taking Mr Letwin his toasted sandwich. Tried to ask if he was OK but he said he couldn’t stop to talk because Oliver doesn’t like it when the emmenthal goes cold. Mr L really is getting into the spirit of things. He spends long periods in the Austerity Room, our new relaxation area where we have replicated Real Life Impoverished Conditions so that everyone at CCHQ has the chance to experience what it’s like to be socially excluded. (Which is better than just getting voice coaching to sound common, innit?) I spent half an hour in there the other day and it was gruelling. There’s a huge widescreen TV playing non-stop Jeremy Kyle, a leather sofa from DFS and a table stacked with crisps, sweets and fizzy drinks. I nearly had a heart attack after my third sherbet fountain. I just can’t do sugar. Anyway it’s all very realistic. We had some help from Captain Smithy getting it just right.

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