Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 24 April 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

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Could barely drag self out of bed this morning. Mummy came in to draw the curtains in the end and reminded me I have to do it for Dave. Rang Gary Barlow as soon as got into office. He’s been racking his brains but says there may be nothing more he can do for us. Robbie wouldn’t help, he’s got a UFO conference in Utah this week. Everything is going against us! Told Jed I had failed miserably to deliver on Dave’s pledge to reform the original line-up of Take That and he wasn’t even cross with me. He thanked me almost politely and said I was not to give up hope, ‘there’s still a small chance we might win’. But I know things must be v bad cos Mr Maude is wearing the biggest smile I’ve seen on his face since people were writing letters to Mr Spicer in 2007. ‘Cheer up, it might never happen!’ Nigel nearly punched him: ‘How can you be optimistic at a time like this? It’s sick!’


After much soul searching, we’ve narrowed it down to three options. It’s all Mr Bridges’s fault for ever suggesting that we love-bomb the Libs. It’s all Jed’s fault for thinking up the bizarre idea of calling for a TV debate. It’s all Lord A’s fault for not doing more to force us to look properly at his weird graphs from marginal seats and letting us fall asleep or play ‘guess the majority’ during all those boring presentations entitled ‘Why we will end up having to do a deal with the Lib Dems’. We had a fourth option of blaming Mr Letwin, just because we always blame Mr Letwin, but Nigel said that wasn’t going to wash this time. We need a new scapegoat and fast. Gary B rings to ask whether it would help if he sang a special version of ‘Back For Good’ — ‘I want them back, I want them back, I want the Tories back for goooood!’ I said I would ask but I thought it had got beyond that. Clegg’s got Colin Firth. Mr Darcy trumps everything. We may as well give up.


We must not give up! Our Nuke the Libs unit is making some breakthrough discoveries. Not only was Mr Clegg a posh public schoolboy but he did loads of silly things like setting fire to cacti and running over birds! And he was once a Brussels bureaucrat and he speaks Dutch, which just proves he’s up to no good. Can’t wait to tell Jed.

Wonky Tom leading a huge team digging through Lib Dem policy. You wouldn’t believe what they’re turning up. Totally stir-fry crazy stuff — environmental taxes, curbs on banks, scrapping ID cards and vital crime-fighting databases, tackling the deficit just by cutting back on so-called wasteful public expenditure. Talk about loony! This stuff should be a piece of cake to take apart.


Things v fraught as party now broadly divided into two factions warring over Clegg containment strategy. In one corner, Jed is urging Dave not to savage Nick. It will only turn off potential Lib-Tory switchers. In the other corner, everyone else in party is urging him to rip the evil imposter’s head off. And boy have we found him a killer line of attack: turns out the volcanic ash cloud crisis can be directly traced back to decisions taken by Clegg when he was working for the European Commission in 1994 developing airline flight rights — oh yes!!