Monday
What a great call for Dave to get ‘bloody angry’! It’s passionate, sexy and modern, not to mention emotionally intelligent, yet also authoritarian and traditional, and a tiny bit kinky at the same time. All the girls agree that it really suits him and should be used more often. Apparently Jed got it from Google in California where the execs often become ‘bloody angry’ in a dynamic way, usually in special areas filled with ergonomic stress scrunchers and organic beanbags. We are now thinking of coming up with just such a space at CCHQ, to compliment the Austerity Room. Some kind of Anger Zone would be just so exciting and give us all a chance to channel in a constructive way the v difficult feelings which have been coming up for all of us surrounding the terrible goings-on of the past few weeks. I’m feeling a lovely sense of well-channelled fury just thinking about it.
Tuesday
Anger: Moderate. Rage: Fair, rising at times, mostly in a leftwards direction, though also quite teed off with Mr Maude for ringing every five minutes to ask whether Dave has read his memo on the ‘disastrous’ new poll showing our lead falling by one point to ‘only’ 13 points ahead. I said I shouldn’t think so. Told him if he wants Dave to read a memo it’s probably best not to call it ‘Plans for a Fourth Term in Opposition.’ Also bit miffed that my name seems to have been the only one not put into Damian Green’s computer by the police during the keyword search. They put ‘Wonky Tom’ in. You would have thought they could have worked out that he doesn’t actually call himself that on his email, wouldn’t you? Are they stupid or what? Feel quite cross just thinking about it.
Wednesday
Jed says we are going to have a special prize at the end of every week. It will be awarded to the person who has shown the most the constructive use of being Bloody Angry to achieve a Compassionate and Modern Conservative end. Gary seems to be determined to win. He’s going ballistic over this lady of the night who is lurking around with her silly list of ‘top Tories’ who’ve allegedly used her peculiar services. Doesn’t she realise? No one cares what anyone is up to in their private life any more. Voters are sick to the back teeth of hearing about coke and hookers. It’s just boring and irrelevant. Unless of course it involves Jacqui Smith. In which case the public would have the right to know about something that would quite frankly be sick and disgusting and corrupt and unforgivable. Grrrrrrrr! I’m getting really cross again.
Thursday
Anger levels through the roof. People love it. We’re back up in the internal polling. Dave now having proper pumping-up sessions with Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, who is heading up Anger Realisation Services.
I am so angry I could scream — Poppy has won the Anger Prize. How is this possible? She’s barely twitched with anything more than mild irritation all week. Jed says my anger is too out there, too obvious. He says I’m upsetting people by shouting at the television every time a Labour MP comes on, and there have been complaints about ‘swearing and foul language’. He thinks I may be taking the whole thing too literally. Perhaps he’s got a point. Some sort of quiet seething strategy might be in order.
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