Strict no-returns policy
‘You should know that I have a strict no-returns policy.’
Uncategorized
Wednesday
Now we’ll be able to vote for him to leave
‘Now we’ll be able to vote for him to leave.’
Lifestyle choice
‘We don’t need any help, thanks. This is a lifestyle choice.’
House of straw
‘I suppose the house of straw was a lifestyle choice.’
It sleeps a lot
‘It sleeps a lot and isn’t cheap to feed, but I think every home should have one.’
Biblical proportions
‘Have you got this in “biblical proportions”?’
Go online
‘We no longer offer any services. You need to go online for those.’
Japanese service is stiflingly polite
One thing you can be sure of on a visit to Japan is that the service will be at the very least good, and quite often superb. The chances of being short-changed, snubbed, or slighted are virtually zero and truly bad service is so rare I almost, after 24 years in Tokyo, crave it now and again to break the monotony. ‘The customer is God’ as the Japanese say, and sometimes this exhortation to staff feels like only a slight exaggeration. I once witnessed a sad scene where an old lady tried to engage the cashier in a supermarket in casual conversation At its best, Japanese service can be glorious
Would you drink fermented horse milk?
To my great disappointment, I was never (knowingly) fed qarta – a popular dish of boiled and pan-fried horse anus served without sauce or spices. I did, however, get to try the next best thing – kymyz, mares’ milk fermented in a goatskin. It was the second day of a horse trek in Kyrgyzstan and it had begun to hail. Not exactly golf ball-sized, but close enough to the golf ball sweets you bite into to find bubble gum. The horses coped, perhaps because getting pelted with hail is a fair trade for not being on a Kyrgyz menu. We stopped under a tree and our guide’s blank stares gave
Tuesday
The miserable rise of the childless wedding
Since becoming a mother, I have come to dread weddings. Children are often no longer welcome at nuptials. My children have been banned from several already, and we have attended several others where they might as well have been, so inhospitable were they to young families. I find it indescribably depressing and utterly baffling that small children would be unwelcome at such a momentous family celebration. The concept seems to contradict the very purpose of a wedding – to bring two families together for the creation of another. Perhaps as a result of the decline of religion, weddings are no longer for families – they are essentially very, very expensive
The importance of London’s lost cinema
King’s Cross in the eighties was the scabbiest, dodgiest, scariest and most alternative place in central London – and the crumbling Scala cinema was its beating heart. Memories of this long-shut venue are being revived by the imminent release of a feature-length documentary tracing its brief, colourful history. The film is named after the cinema but its lengthy subtitle signals the kind of material it depicts: Scala!!! Or, the incredibly strange rise and fall of the world’s wildest cinema and how it influenced a mixed-up generation of weirdos and misfits. I’ve been back to The Scala to see bands there since. But it’s a different beast now This sounds an
Why are so many young people single?
An increasing number of young Brits are single. Many of these people don’t want to be single. They want to be in a relationship. But, for some reason or other, they’re having no luck. Why? What’s holding them back? A recent study shed light on the factors that contribute to involuntary singlehood in Britain and beyond. The researchers, two psychologists based in Cyprus, explored the impact of sexual functioning, body weight, and whether or not an individual had children from a previous relationship, and how all three affect a person’s relationship status. The findings were published in Evolutionary Psychological Science. Around 2013, smartphones became ubiquitous, and we started to spend more
Monday
Leuven: Belgium’s most underrated city
From the vertiginous belltower of Leuven’s university library, you get a great view across the mottled rooftops of Belgium’s most underrated city. Leuven isn’t swarming with sightseers, like Bruges. It isn’t choked with commuter traffic, like Brussels. It’s lively and compact, ideal for a weekend away – so why have most British travellers never even heard of it? Search me. I’ve just spent three days here and I had a great time. I can’t wait to go again. One of the best things about Leuven is, it’s so easy to get here: two hours via Eurostar from London St Pancras to Brussels, and then a local train to Leuven from
I’m sick of streaming. Films were better on Blu-ray
The digital world, I’m realising, is a bit of a racket. Recently most of my iTunes library disappeared from my iPhone, and I just don’t know if I can be bothered to go through all the different hoops, portals, queueing systems and long forgotten passwords to get them back again. I’ve also had the repeated experience of trying to view a film I’ve downloaded on Amazon, only to get that little square in the middle of the screen telling me that the player’s having issues at the moment, and would I, could I try again later? Meanwhile, the CDs and DVDs reproach me from my shelves like an abandoned spouse.
What’s more trendy than space travel? Banning it
In bedrooms across the country, women are wearing £145 sexy silk chemises emblazoned with jewels spelling out the words ‘Ban Space Travel’. This isn’t just a bit tacky or part of a new kink. It’s a sign of growing cynicism around space exploration. (Another item in the same collection, sold by luxury underwear company Bluebella, casually calls for ‘world peace,’ as though the two issues are akin.) Bluebella’s CEO Emily Bendell says the garment, designed by Ashish Gupta, is a ‘cultural statement’. ‘With so many problems here on earth, we have to hold billionaires focused on space exploration to account,’ she says. It is unclear exactly how much holding to
Friday
Gorillas in the mix: in search of Rwanda’s silverbacks
Two hours into a muddy hike through Rwanda’s Nyungwe rainforest and though I’ve been barked at by a baboon, crossed rivers of fire ants and stepped over a foot-long centipede, I have yet to see any chimpanzees, which is the reason I’m here. My guide and our team of trackers are on the path ahead, armed with machetes, rifles and a walkie talkie. We’re looking for an alpha male called Kuyu. His morning calls echo in the distance and my guide tells me we’re not far from him. I hope he’s right. I am covered in Mosquito repellent clothing, I’m hot, tired and my enthusiasm is waning. ‘Look up,’ says my
Two tips for the Paddy Power Gold Cup
Richard Hobson is a trainer that I have a lot of time for. He always gets the best out of his small string and he is always willing to share information with journalists about the well-being of his horses and their big-race targets. He places his horses well too, even if it means going to the other side of the English Channel in search of better prize money. Hobson’s stable star FUGITIF is due to make his seasonal debut a week from tomorrow in the highly-competitive Paddy Power Gold Cup at Cheltenham’s November meeting. This eight-year-old gelding ticks a lot of boxes for this contest, notably he has strong form
Are party holidays ever that fun?
Forget GCSEs or landing your first part-time job. Nothing screamed growing up in Britain like embarking on your first European party holiday, armed with an alarming lack of SPF or common sense but a suitcase packed full of skimpy outfits and condoms. Every summer, thousands of young Britons would jet off to Greece, Cyprus or Spain, having signed up for a week of raucous hedonism provided by travel companies like Club 18-30. They’re getting steadily less popular – Gen Z don’t really drink, after all – but the themes explored in Molly Manning-Walker’s new film, How to Have Sex, remain universal. Set in the Greek resort of Malia, Crete, Manning-Walker’s
Britain’s electric vehicle mandates don’t make sense
It is now four years since I bought my first electric car. At the time, I wished I hadn’t. The car, though solid, swift and fun, had the slight problem that it could explode at any time. In 2019, a tranche of electric cars were sold to ingenues such as myself, only to be recalled so that their batteries could be replaced with ones which might not spontaneously combust. Once replaced, it was fine, but my home needed an upgrade, too – every fuse in the house blew when I first tried to recharge the car and boil a kettle at the same time. Being an EV pioneer (I was
Wednesday
Celebrity owners are ruining football
Tom Brady must get bored easily. After America’s superstar quarterback retired (for a second time) in March, he invested in a Las Vegas women’s basketball team, sorted out his divorce, bought a racing boat team with Rafael Nadal and, this summer, became a minority owner of Birmingham City. A few weeks ago, it was announced that he’d had a meaningful chat with Wayne Rooney, the club’s new manager. ‘It’s important for the players to see Tom Brady have an involvement. It’s very clear that Tom is fully involved in the club’ said Rooney, clearly aware that fans might be sceptical. Brady is just one of several American celebrities who have invested in
